


Mira is a boy- and her name is James.

by 99MillionMiles



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: But Just At The Beginning, F/M, FTM, James is broken, M/M, fem!Moriarty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 05:49:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6503425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/99MillionMiles/pseuds/99MillionMiles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mira is such a wonderful, giant red star. Sometimes it's visible. Sometimes it's not.</p>
<p>Or, James Moriarty walks the streets of London, owns them all.<br/>It's all his. Everything.<br/>The houses, the cars, the people.</p>
<p>And he's going to burn it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mira is a boy- and her name is James.

_James Moriarty walks the streets of London,_ _**owns** them all. _  
_It's all his. **Everything.** _  
_The houses, the cars, the people._

 

_And he's going to burn it all._

 

 

 

It hits her.  
It always does.   
It's almost midnight. She usually does her researches when everyone is asleep; they can't find out about this.  
About her.  
About _him_.  
Her laptop is on her crossed legs, as she types on the keyboard words that she has already typed a thousand times.  
Mira's parents are sleeping peacefully. No sounds in the house, no sounds in the city, no sounds in the universe but her beating heart.

The whole world is asleep, and Mira is a boy.

 

 

There's something about his dad, about the way he looks at her; like he's proud of her, whatever she does. Like she's his reflection. The best of his mirrors.  
They think the same things- they say the same words. They laugh at the same jokes. They get upset over the same things.  
Mira vaguely looks like him. The same big, dark eyes, the same smile, the same shape of the head.  
But she's shorter than him. She has smallest hands and feet. She has curves and angles where he doesn't.  
She's a girl.  
He often kind of forgets about that detail- that she isn't a boy, that she shouldn't be able to understand some things. She isn't supposed to laugh to dirty jokes; her mother always gazes to her father, threatening, saying, _are you quite finished? She's a girl._  
Mira _isn't_ a girl. She doesn't want to play with dolls and doesn't like to talk about fashion.  
She tries to befriend all those girls, when she's at school, but they give her weird looks. Like she's different.  
And at the beginning of middle school, she decides to change. To turn into someone that she's supposed to be. She becomes girly, _beautiful_. Guys like her black long hair, her big doe eyes- she learns fast.

If she can't be a boy, she will ruin all of them.

 

 

Mira it's the name of a star.  
It means _The Wonderful_. It's a giant red star, visible in the sky from time to time.  
Some nights, her father lies next to her on the rooftop. He shows her all of the stars and make silly jokes.  
Mira punches him lightly on the arm. “Shut off this bullshit, Miles” she laughs.  
She has stopped calling him “father” since she was 10. Because Miles has never truly been a father; not even to her sister. He's always been just a man who wanted to be free and, instead, had to marry and have children.  
He says, “if only I could turn back time. I would love to make all of this disappear. All of this, Mira. Everything.”  
He sighs. “I would find myself a girlfriend. Hell, lots of. I was so hot when I was in my twenties, you know?”  
She chuckles. “You still are, come on.”  
He laughs. “Well, yeah. I know I am.”  
“Now you're just being vain. Stop it.”  
“But, I'm serious! Well, maybe I wasn't _exactly_ hot. But I would have known what to do. To make them fall in love with me. All of them, Mira.”  
“Even the guys?”  
He bursts out in laughter. “Of course! Yeah, the guys too. That would be fun.”  
“You're _so_ gay, oh my God.”  
Miles rolls his eyes, chuckles. “But” his face darkens, his eyes lose focus as he still looks at the sky, “I'm serious. I wish I could start all over.”  
“What about me and Alice?” Mira teases him. She ignores the pain. She always does.  
“Don't be silly” Miles replies. “I love you both. And you, Mira, you know how much I care about you. You and me are the same.”  
“Yeah. I know” she answers quietly. “You don't care much about Alice, anyway.”  
“She's just like her mother” he sighs. “They aren't capable of loving, you know.”  
Mira tries to remember the last time her mother hugged her. She fails.  
“So what?” she asks. “If you could start all over?”  
“I already told you, I wouldn't build a family.”  
“And if you had children? Like, by mistake.”  
Miles stays quiet for a bit. Then he speaks, a sort of fondness in his soft voice. “I would love to have a son” he answers, almost inaudible. “I would take him to so many places. Would show him what life really is. Would help him get the most beautiful girls.”  
“What if he turned out to be gay?” Mira jokes. Kind of.  
Miles laughs, but when she insists, he sighs. Becomes suddenly serious. “Couldn't accept him.”  
It's like he has just back stabbed her. “What? Why?”  
She can't hide her surprise. He can't feel the pain in her voice.  
“A son who lets other guys fuck him...” he says, trailing off his words. “Nope. Just couldn't. Sex with women is so much better.”  
Mira stands up.  
“'m cold, dad. Goodnight.”  
He smiles at her, like nothing happened.  
“Night, love.”

 

 

Mira breaks heart just for fun.  
Just because she can't fix hers. Because late at night, she googles _ftm_ , and she almost cries.   
She doesn't want to be weak. She _isn't_.  
And she knows the looks on those people's faces, those looks that say, _my body wasn't my home. It has never been._   
And she hates it. She hates the way it makes her feel, hates her stupid little body and all her curves, all her angles, _that she has and that her father doesn't._  
So she breaks hearts. She ruins guys.  
She makes them fall in love with her. Makes them say _I love you_ , and never says it back. And she leaves. Without warning. Without any explanations.  
She feels nothing.  
She can be gorgeous. She can make everyone turn their heads, she can be Mira _The Wonderful_ , can dye her hair red and be the giant red star.  
But when she's alone in her room, she dresses like a boy. Wears large shirts, large jeans.   
One day, she cuts her hair.  
She tells him. 

_Miles, dad. I'm a boy._

_What are you saying?_ , he asks her, looking frustrated. _Just...stop, Mira._

He doesn't look disappointed, just confused. But he knows.

He knows it must be his fault, too.

_You are just very, very confused, darling._

_You've been cheating on mom._

_I thought you were my best friend. Thought I could tell you my secrets._

_I am. You can._

She bites back her pain.

_And I'm...confused, yeah. Very, very confused._

Miles smiles and hugs her.

 

 

Mira always wakes up like this.   
All sweaty, almost crying out for help, trying to reach for something.  
She remembers every single detail. The way he touched her. The way he smiled at her. The way he told her, _you're so beautiful._  
It was her birthday party. She turned six that very day.  
And he put his hands all over her.  
He laid her on the couch. He smiled all the time.  
Mira was too young. Didn't understand.  
Her mom used to say, _I told you not to let him drag you to hidden places. Not his bedroom. I told you to stay where I can see you._  
He was 25, or something like that. He had a nice, wide smile. He looked genuine.

_Promise you won't tell anyone about this, baby._

He was her cousin.

 

She wishes she could kill him.

 

 

Instead, she kills one of the guys at school. One that she's been dating.  
She thinks about it. She's rational, she has to do the crime and do the time, too.  
People find him in the pool.  
He laughed at her, when she panicked as he tried to lay his hands on her.   
She stopped him laughing.

 

 

When people ask her what her name is, Mira almost answers _James_.  
It's just a part of her. It has always been, and always will.  
James has dark eyes, black hair, psychotic smile.  
James is everything that she is, and can't be.  
Not yet.

 

 

Mira falls in love.  
He's younger than her, never dares to touch her, always shows her just how much he loves her.  
Follows her around like a lost puppy, smiles at her, with his big blue eyes and blonde hair and funny accent, tells her about how the snow fell silently on the ground when he was back home.  
Miles and miles away from London.  
She drinks the life out of him. Tells him she loves him.   
He gives her all of his love, and she gives so little in return.  
She consumes him, eats all of his beautiful soul, marks his skin with her, _his_ initials.

_J.M._

She makes him suffer and likes to see him crying, asking her _why_.  
She holds him in her arms and whispers him that he's okay. He's all right. 

_I love you, sunshine. I love you so much._

And she decides to tell him.

_I'm a boy, Sergey._

And for the first time ever, she's afraid. She's afraid he'll stop loving her.

_But, but I'm still myself. I never lied about my obsessions, about what I like and what I dislike. I'm still here, in this body._

She doesn't say, _if you want me to stay here, to be Mira and not to be James, it's okay. I won't. I will always be a girl. For you. Please don't stop loving me. Don't you dare **stop** _.

All he says is, _I've always known. I love you._

And he's so young and beautiful and has such a _gorgeous_ soul. His heart is so big, so warm, his eyes so blue and bright.  
She wishes she could own him. Make him hers. _His._  
Make him forget his own name, fuck him out of his brain, destroy everything that he is.  
He just needs him to be his. He doesn't have to pretend. James can be just James, when he is with   
him.

_James, James, James._

Sergey says it like it's the only thing he knows.

Mira walks out of his life, because the pain it's unbearable. 

 

She breaks his heart and hers.

 

 

Mira's mother never tells her that she cares about her.  
Never even smiles at her, never holds her in her arms. All she says it's, _you could get better grades._

_You should stop dating so many guys._

_You're such a failure._

_You're just like your father._

She doesn't know he cheats on her. Mira does, anyway. Miles tells her everything- he tells her about the way Ann smiles, about the way Ann touches him, about the way Ann _moans_. He cries, tears rolling down his cheeks, as he tells Mira that Ann's husband found the necklace that was one of his gift. He tells Mira about Ann's big, black eyes, asks Mira to look at him in the eye because they have similar eyes.

_Look at me, Mira. Look at me with her dark, dark eyes._

Mira does as she's told. She even smiles.

She loves him too much.

Love is going to tear her apart, and she lets it.

 

 

She finds it kind of ironic.   
Mira broke Ed's heart, too. A lot of time before it all happened. Before she knew that Ed was Ann's son.  
It's so, so, so _fucking_ ridiculous.  
Mira looks at her body in the mirror, thinks that in a way, it looks similar to Ann's- of course it does, they are both _women_.  
She breaks the mirror into pieces.  
She can't take no more.

 

 

Alice is everything that Mira isn't.  
She's tidy, she's loud, she's happy and she's a _girl_. She loves dancing. Playing with dolls. Taking care of her hair, of her nails, of her make up, of her body.  
Dresses as she's going to a fucking catwalk every single day.   
Mira's mother loves her. Says they are just the same. Hugs and kisses her all the time.  
 _My little, beautiful girl_.  
As they are watching a movie together, Mira wonders what's left of her family.  
She asks herself if there is even _ever_ been a family.  
She's been alone all the time.  
“What do you think you would be like, if you were a boy?” she asks her sister, without even realizing it until the sound has escaped from her mouth.  
Alice rolls her eyes.  
“Stupid question” she answers.  
She sighs, looks at her nails, smiles for a second and then looks at Mira like she's a stranger.  
“I would be just like you. Wouldn't I, _James_?”  
Mira hates when Alice pronounces her, _his_ name as it's an insult. She gets so angry she could _kill_ her the same way she killed Carl, strangle her with her bare hands, make her beg for mercy and let her suffer until she _dies_.   
Alice knows about her. About her desire to be a man, about her name. She found out.   
Mira hates her.  
And suddenly, as Alice is sleeping, her mother asks Mira if she's lesbian.

_Why, mom? What are you talking about? I'm not. And even if I was, I wouldn't feel ashamed._

Mira doesn't even breathe as she speaks again. _And, you know what? I'm a boy. I like other boys. I'm gay, mom, and I'm a guy. I was born this way._

Her mom says, _you're sick. Too much telly. We're going to shut it down._

Mira sucks in a deep breath, eyes full of anger and hands closed into tight fists. 

 

_But you can't shut **me** down, mom._

 

 

Those are the last words she says to her mom. That night, she asks her father to stargaze together- _for the last time_ , she thinks.  
Miles tells her the same, old things. “Mira is such a wonderful, giant red star. Sometimes it's visible. Sometimes it's not.”  
That night, it isn't.  
Mira kisses his forehead and wish him a good night.  
 _A good life, too._

_I'm sorry. I wish I could have been your big boy before._

_I'm going to become what I've always been, dad._

_You've hurt me so deeply. These scars won't heal._

She doesn't say any of that.

She just smiles and makes a silly joke. Miles laughs. She'll miss that sound.

 

_I love you so, so much._

 

 

It's been ten years.  
James Moriarty walks the streets of London, _owns_ them all.  
It's all his. _Everything._  
The houses, the cars, the people.

He's going to burn it all.

He's going to destroy all of it.

He smiles. He closes his eyes as he listens to the sound of the universe.

_Mira is one of the most beautiful stars in the whole galaxy. Means The Wonderful. A giant red star. Sometime it's visible. Sometimes it's not._

James opens his arms, as wide as he can. He embrace all London, as it sleeps peacefully.   
Sebastian stands next to him. His eyes are blue. His hair is blonde.  
Sometimes James calls him Sergey, and Sebastian doesn't answer.   
He asks him to look at him in the eye, because his eyes reminds him of Sergey's. Sebastian does as he's told.  
He tells him that he wants him to find a person. Texts him the name, doesn't even say it aloud.  
Sergey has a family.  
James makes sure to tear it all apart.  
First, his wife. Then his children.  
Later, James makes Sebastian watch as he speaks to Sergey, asks him _why_ he forgot about him. About everything that they had.  
About everything that they were.

_Didn't you love me, sunshine?_

_I did_ , Sergey answers, pretty face and white skin covered in blood. _You walked away. You left. You broke my heart._

He wishes he could answer _you too, blue eyes. You broke mine every single day. Your love teared me apart._

But he doesn't. Sebastian is still watching, still punching Sergey whenever James orders him to.  
Instead, he says _you poor, beautiful thing. How did you dare? You feel in love with someone else. You swore you would have waited for me forever._

James closes his eyes, thinks before he opens them again. _If only you did, honey. I would have loved you until the very end of my days. Would have own you, and you would have loved every single second of it. Would have made you mine. And I would have been yours in return. Even  
just a bit._

He doesn't say that, too. 

James asks Sebastian to hand him a knife. One of his favorites. So sharp it could cut walls open. 

_You even build a nice, little family, didn't you? Lovely. I wish you could have seen the way your children cried as Sebastian killed their mother in front of them. Aren't ordinary people **adorable**?_

Sergey sobs. _I loved her. I loved them all._

_You didn't, baby. You missed me too much. You were very, very confused._

James smiles at Sebastian. Sebastian doesn't smile back.

_I'm going to hurt you, sunshine_ James says quietly, as he approaches him. Sergey doesn't even look up at him, and for a second, when James sees the tears rolling down his cheeks, he stops.  
It lasts just a moment, really, but he can see the young, beautiful Sergey once again. All _his_. Blue eyes and blonde hair, kind words, gentle hands. He let him look at the inside his dark soul. Let him undress him. Not completely, just his shirt when he still was Mira. He let him see his shoulders tremble and his eyes get wet with panic.   
Mira did it, only for him.  
Always for him.  
James growls, stab him. Sergey lets out a sound of pure pain.

_I loved you so much_ James snarls, so angry and hurt that he can't see clear anymore.  
He's crying and he doesn't even realize it. _So fucking much, Sergey._

The last thing Sergey says, just a second before he dies, is a quiet whisper.

 

_I loved you too._

 

 

James still wakes up in Sebastian's arms, the morning after.  
He still cries out for help, dreams of his cousin as he touched him, as he touched _her_ , and Sebastian still hushes him with kind words.

_He's dead, darling. Can't hurt you anymore._

James knows it's a lie, but lets Sebastian rock him slowly back and forth.  
His scars never heal. So different from the ones on Sergey's beautiful, white skin.  
So different from the ones carved deep in his cousin's flesh.  
James couldn't bear to see him. He hadn't seen him in fifteen years. He made Sebastian do all the work.  
He asked him to rip off his fingers, one by one. To tear away his eyes and then give them to him.  
Sebastian killed him, but refused to do that. He said, _you don't have to remind yourself of the way he looked at you._

_I do_ , James answered quietly. _It's all his fault. Without him, I'm nothing._

_He touched my body when I was a girl. He made me want to get out of it. He made me hate myself, Seb. Hate Mira._

_Do you think it could have turned out in a different way, Seb? Would **I** be different?_

_If he didn't break me, Seb. If Carl Powers never laughed at me. If Sergey never kissed me- well, if I never kissed him. If my father never told me all of that stuff. If my mother had hugged me even just once. If my sister wasn't that much of a bitch._

Sebastian laughs. He doesn't understand. He can't.

James just goes quiet once again.

 

 

Name's Sherlock. He's given him a purpose.  
He's just as smart and crazy as he is, but he's _not_ broken. He has a significant other, John.   
They're _happy_.  
And James can't stand it. Can't stand nothing, not anymore, really.  
He just want to close his eyes and turn back time. Wishes he could do so.  
He gets to know that is father is dead just some days after he exhales his last breathe, and his whole world shuts down.   
He can't think. He can't move. He can't cry. He can't live no more.

 

_Mira. It means **The wonderful**._

_And what does Miles mean?_

_It means, “dad who doesn't give a fuck about anything else than his daughter and names her after a wonderful, giant red star._

 

The sky turns black.

No stars.

End of the universe.

Forever.

 

_I love you so, so much._

 

 

 

“I want you to get out of London.”  
“What?” Sebastian asks him. “Why?”  
James always leaves without a warning, but this time, he makes a little exception.  
“I want you to get out of London” he repeats. “Do as I say, darling.”  
“But-”  
“ _Sebastian._ ”  
James doesn't tell him he loves him. He just kisses him on the lips- a soft, little kiss, as Sebastian takes his fragile body ( _a girl's body, small hands and small feet_ ) in his arms, and makes him feel loved again for the first time in _years_.  
Sebastian sure thinks it's just one of his crazy moments. He doesn't know.  
 _What a blessing_ , James thinks.  
“Take care of yourself, will you?” Sebastian asks quietly.  
James doesn't answer. Instead, he kisses him again.  
This one time, when he looks into his eyes, all he can see is Sebastian. Not Sergey. Not himself, not what he has made Sebastian become.  
He smiles and closes his eyes as Sebastian leaves.

 

 

James doesn't regret it.  
He watches as London burns in front of his eyes.  
Beautiful, fragile, little London- it's his.  
And he's erasing it all, bit to bit.  
If he could, he would erase the whole universe, too.

_What have you done?_ Sherlock asks him, as he watches the streets melt into nothing, and everything looks like a nightmare but it's so, so very real.

_I've burn my whole life down_ James answers, a delirious smile dancing on his lips. 

_Mira's life, James' life. I'm burning them down. I'm burning myself down._

_Can you hear it?_

_All I can hear is the sound of your madness._

_Exactly. No sound. There is no sound. Everything is **so** quiet. Everything is dark._

_I swear, Moriarty. I'm going to kill you._

_You sound so desperate, darling. No need to do that._

_What?_

_I'm never going to be visible ever again. It's ended, honey._

Sherlock gives him a funny look. It makes James laugh.

He takes the gun from his pocket. Sherlock's eyes go wide.

It's the fraction of a second, but he has always been quicker than anyone else.

He knows how to do the crime and how to do the time.

 

_Mira is a giant red star. Its name means The Wonderful._

 

He shoots. He falls to the ground.

 

_Sometimes it's visible._

 

London is burning. James Moriarty is smiling.

 

 

_And sometimes, it's not_.


End file.
